One of the questions we discuss with students is if there is a difference between reality and truth.
Is there a difference?
We usually conclude there is: the difference between "reality" and "truth" is that truth is subjective - formed by our paradigm and how we perceive things. Truth can be altered. Truth differs from person to person. Truth is based on our beliefs and our experiences.
Reality is what can't be changed. I can't change reality for myself or anyone any more than I can change the color of the Pope's eyes. Reality is what can blindside you after the veil of truth has been ripped to shreds.
I was just trying to think about how Emmett fits in to this way of thinking - for me, as his mother. I didn't ask for him to be autistic, can't change the fact that he is, can't "get rid" of him - he is mine for life... So I choose to be happy every day I can - but that, again - in theory - is my truth. Most people couldn't handle my truth, much less my reality. I'm not saying I am a better person because I have a son with a significant disability, it's just that my truth and my reality are complicated things and that some days I am not even sure that I can handle either one of them.
My dad once told me to only worry about things that you can control...in other words, don't spend your time worrying about things that you can't do anything about...focus on what you CAN do. Most days that is easier said than done, especially when every single moment of every single day seems to be the product and folly of Fate:
...can't stop Emmett from screeching loudly in the grocery store
...can't stop Emmett from crashing onto the floor at WalMart
...can't stop Emmett from hitting or smacking me or his brothers when he is upset
...can't stop Emmett from breaking windows or putting holes in his walls when he has a meltdown
...can't stop Emmett from picking his nose and eating his boogers in the middle of a restaurant
...can't stop Emmett from constant persevering about any random subject for hours and hours
...can't stop him from throwing his arms around me for a big bear hug when he knows I am sad
...can't stop him from caressing my cheek and saying "You are so sweet."
...can't stop him from asking for snuggles and tickles
...can't stop him from laughing hysterically at nothing at all
...can't stop him from singing random songs from Sesame Street
...can't stop him from creating witty and amazing drawings
With Emmett I can't stop being fascinated and frustrated; overjoyed and overwhelmed; exhilarated and exhausted - running whole gamut of human feelings and emotions on any given day.
...and all I can do sometimes is just breathe. In and out, in and out, in and out....waiting for some moments to pass and for some to last just a little bit longer. It is similar to what I feel with my other children...but infinitely amplified. I know our other three sons will grow up to be fine independent men with their own lives and their own families...but Emmett will always be dependent - with the language, verbal reasoning, and social functioning of a 4 or 5 year old.
That's my truth and my reality.
...and I wouldn't change it if I could.
